Saturday, January 10, 2015

The Uncle Diaries (Continued)

Nephew #1 is not so good with "L"s and "R"s (*). And I'm not so good at telling one My Little Pony from another. So whoever gave Twilight Sparkle her name, I'm not happy with you.

Don't even get me started on the Rarity conversation.

ME: Is this one Pinky Pie?
HIM: ACTUALLY, Pinky Pie is the PINK one. This one's name is [unintelligble]
ME: Did you say...? Is it...Melody?
HIM: No. It's [UNINTELLIGIBLE]. (seeing my confusion, thinks and comes up with a new tack) ACTUALLY, It starts with the letter AWWH.
ME: Awwh? You mean "O?" Her name is...Oddity?
HIM: No. Awwh. As in, ACTUALLY, Uncle, you AWWH a f****ing idiot.

Okay, he didn't say that last sentence. Not out loud, anyways.


My heart breaks for my nephew, because I can see how hard he's trying to be understood, and how frustrating it is for him that he can't make perfectly obvious things clear, and his confusion at how his Uncle seems to speak English while still not understanding someone speaking English right back.

Part of me wants to tell him it will get better, and part of me wants to go, "You think it's tough now, kid, wait until you get on the internet.

(*) Weirdly enough, he has no issues with 'liopleurodon.'

Thursday, January 08, 2015

The Uncle Diaries (continued): Actually...

My three-year old nephew loves the word "Actually."  He starts many sentences with it. Which is a change from how he used to start sentences--bouncing up and down and saying "Um Um Um"

We like to play dinosaurs. Sometimes we will be dinosaurs. Other times, we will become fossils.

Yesterday, as I was leaving, he asked: "Are you going to go pee?"

Which seemed random until I told D. this story and she said. "Well, that's what everyone asks HIM before he goes out. Maybe he thinks that's what we're supposed to do."

"Are you going to go pee?" is the "I'll text you later" for three year olds.

***

My nephew cannot keep a secret.

The other day, I arrived at my mom's house for my birthday dinner and he ran up to me.

The first words out of his mouth as he jumped up and down in place were: "We made you a CAKE! It looks like a football and it's a SURPRISE!"

Two hours later, his grandfather supervised him washing his hands.

"But we didn't use soap," Nephew said.

"We'll keep that a secret," my father told him.

The boy immediately sprinted off like the Flash trying to stop a bank robbery in progress, bursting into the room where my sister was changing Nephew #2.

"Pops said I didn't have to use soap!"

Wednesday, November 12, 2014

Boyhood Dream

Last night I dreamed I was thrown into an impromptu tag team with SHAGGY called 'Dazed & Confused' to wrestle Danny Duggan in a ring that only had ropes on two sides.

ME: But I can't wrestle. Also, look at my skinny arms. No one's gonna believe I can punch a guy.
HEAVY METAL: No Problem. Just throw a lot of kicks.


I'm definitely filing an 'unsafe working conditions' grievance with The United Brotherhood of Professional Wrestling Ring Announcers, Timekeepers & Referees.

Thursday, October 09, 2014

Yes means No

Crosssing the border...

CUSTOMS OFFICIAL: Does anybody in this car have a criminal record?
EVERYONE: No.
CUSTOMS OFFICIAL (to me): Sir?
ME: Yes?
CUSTOMS OFFICIAL: You just said 'yes.'
ME: Yes.
CUSTOMS OFFICIAL: So yes, you do have a criminal record?
ME: No.
CUSTOMS OFFICIAL: You don't have a criminal record.
ME: Yes, that's correct.
CUSTOMS OFFICIAL: You said 'yes' again.
ME: NO!
CUSTOM OFFICIAL: You didn't say 'yes?'
ME:  Yes, I didn't. I mean, No, I did, but that was for the other thing you asked.
CUSTOMS OFFICAL: Do your or do you not have a criminal record?
ME: No.
CUSTOMS OFFICIAL: You don't.
ME: Yes, I don't.
CUSTOMS OFFICIAL: You said 'yes' again.

Really, we should take this show on the road.


Monday, September 22, 2014

Life Continues

While dancing the other night, one of the people I was with asked, "How do you know the words to all these songs?"

Because I spent all those years while you were in grad school at the bar with pro wrestlers, stand-up comics and Jason Man-Kai Yeung absorbing the worlds to Akon's "Sexy B***h."

Oh sure. You might have a job and a car and be educated and stuff, but when it comes to bringing sexy back...WHO WASTED THEIR LIFE NOW? WHO WASTED THEIR LIFE NOW?

Still me?

Sigh.

Take 'em to the Chorus

Thursday, March 06, 2014

The Nephew Diaries (Continued)

I forgot to mention...as of February 8, I am an uncle yet again.

I got over to see him the day after he was born. My sister was trying to get mom to take a picture of the new family, a task made more difficult by the older nephew who was trying to grapple the new baby and had to be held back by my brother in law. Nephew was not happy about it and started screaming at the top of his lungs.

It led to some interesting pictures.

My favorite was one where all four member of my sister's family had completely different expressions on their face: Baby sleeping, Sister smiling, Nephew screaming, Brother-in-law looking uncertain.

If there were captions in the picture, they would have read like this.

SISTER: Look at me! I'm not pregnant anymore! I feel so pretty!
BABY: This sleeping thing is pretty boss.
NEPHEW: FUUUUUCK! MYYYYYY! LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIFE!
BROTHER-IN-LAW:  Faking one's death and moving to South America. How does that work? Asking for a friend.

I love them all.

Friday, January 24, 2014

The Uncle Diaries (Continued)

Nephew is 2 and talking now. Some short notes.:

He figured out a few weekends ago that  'Uncle' is a title and not a name. He spent the next five minutes experimenting with 'Uncle Daddy,' 'Uncle Grandma,' and 'Uncle Auntie Christina.' Yesterday he tried "Grandpa Uncle Gramma Dan."

*  *  *

He's also started parroting my exclamations of shock like "Holy Dinah!" "Oh, MAAAN," and "Great Scott!" My favorite was the Holy Cow episode, well, because...

ME: Holy Cow!
NEPHEW: Holy cow! Holy Cow! *long pause while he thinks about it* Holy Horse! Holy Chicken! Holy Cat! Holy Dragon!

He's a clever one.

*  *  *
My sister told me this story.

NEPHEW: Momma happy?
SISTER: Yes, Momma's happy. Is Sam happy?
NEPHEW: Sam not happy. Sam FUNNY!

If my nephew would rather be funny than happy, I have a feeling he'll do well in a stand-up comedy.

The Red Deer Legion beckons, blood of my blood. The Red Deer Legion beckons.