Wednesday, April 29, 2015

The Uncle Diaries (Continued)

Walked into sister's backyard the other day to discover 3-year old nephew struggling to sweep up a giant spill of potting soil using a broom twice his height.

The first words out of his mouth: "Boy, I sure did make a mess."

Resignedly cleaning up messes of one's own devising using tools that feel ill-fitting, inadequate, and too large.

I've been there, kiddo.

Like Uncle, Like Nephew, I guess.

Tuesday, April 21, 2015

The UncleDiaries (Continued)

3 year old nephew is now 'cross-referencing' his dinosaurs. He looks them up in the index of one book (Dino-pedia)  and then tries to find the same dinosaur in another.

I sense a dissertation in his future. The only thing stopping his academic rise is his refusal to accept that the  word "June" does not conform to the same spelling laws that govern "moon," "soon," and "baboon."

Unlike bedtime, when it comes to spelling, rules are meant to be followed unswervingly. We live in a society here, people.

-He also peed on a tree. Prodigiously. There's no way a child that small can hold that much urine. It was like he was channeling urine from another dimension.

I like how physcial he is. When he's telling a story, he hops up and down with excitement or runs back and forth across the living room in between sentences.

In other news, the small nephew (14 months or so) can do the following: Kick his feet in his bath, make sounds that sound suspiciously like "uh oh" and "Quack"

As my sister once said: "accomplishments all around.

Saturday, January 10, 2015

The Uncle Diaries (Continued)

Nephew #1 is not so good with "L"s and "R"s (*). And I'm not so good at telling one My Little Pony from another. So whoever gave Twilight Sparkle her name, I'm not happy with you.

Don't even get me started on the Rarity conversation.

ME: Is this one Pinky Pie?
HIM: ACTUALLY, Pinky Pie is the PINK one. This one's name is [unintelligble]
ME: Did you say...? Is it...Melody?
HIM: No. It's [UNINTELLIGIBLE]. (seeing my confusion, thinks and comes up with a new tack) ACTUALLY, It starts with the letter AWWH.
ME: Awwh? You mean "O?" Her name is...Oddity?
HIM: No. Awwh. As in, ACTUALLY, Uncle, you AWWH a f****ing idiot.

Okay, he didn't say that last sentence. Not out loud, anyways.

My heart breaks for my nephew, because I can see how hard he's trying to be understood, and how frustrating it is for him that he can't make perfectly obvious things clear, and his confusion at how his Uncle seems to speak English while still not understanding someone speaking English right back.

Part of me wants to tell him it will get better, and part of me wants to go, "You think it's tough now, kid, wait until you get on the internet.

(*) Weirdly enough, he has no issues with 'liopleurodon.'

Thursday, January 08, 2015

The Uncle Diaries (continued): Actually...

My three-year old nephew loves the word "Actually."  He starts many sentences with it. Which is a change from how he used to start sentences--bouncing up and down and saying "Um Um Um"

We like to play dinosaurs. Sometimes we will be dinosaurs. Other times, we will become fossils.

Yesterday, as I was leaving, he asked: "Are you going to go pee?"

Which seemed random until I told D. this story and she said. "Well, that's what everyone asks HIM before he goes out. Maybe he thinks that's what we're supposed to do."

"Are you going to go pee?" is the "I'll text you later" for three year olds.


My nephew cannot keep a secret.

The other day, I arrived at my mom's house for my birthday dinner and he ran up to me.

The first words out of his mouth as he jumped up and down in place were: "We made you a CAKE! It looks like a football and it's a SURPRISE!"

Two hours later, his grandfather supervised him washing his hands.

"But we didn't use soap," Nephew said.

"We'll keep that a secret," my father told him.

The boy immediately sprinted off like the Flash trying to stop a bank robbery in progress, bursting into the room where my sister was changing Nephew #2.

"Pops said I didn't have to use soap!"

Wednesday, November 12, 2014

Boyhood Dream

Last night I dreamed I was thrown into an impromptu tag team with SHAGGY called 'Dazed & Confused' to wrestle Danny Duggan in a ring that only had ropes on two sides.

ME: But I can't wrestle. Also, look at my skinny arms. No one's gonna believe I can punch a guy.
HEAVY METAL: No Problem. Just throw a lot of kicks.

I'm definitely filing an 'unsafe working conditions' grievance with The United Brotherhood of Professional Wrestling Ring Announcers, Timekeepers & Referees.

Thursday, October 09, 2014

Yes means No

Crosssing the border...

CUSTOMS OFFICIAL: Does anybody in this car have a criminal record?
ME: Yes?
CUSTOMS OFFICIAL: You just said 'yes.'
ME: Yes.
CUSTOMS OFFICIAL: So yes, you do have a criminal record?
ME: No.
CUSTOMS OFFICIAL: You don't have a criminal record.
ME: Yes, that's correct.
CUSTOMS OFFICIAL: You said 'yes' again.
CUSTOM OFFICIAL: You didn't say 'yes?'
ME:  Yes, I didn't. I mean, No, I did, but that was for the other thing you asked.
CUSTOMS OFFICAL: Do your or do you not have a criminal record?
ME: No.
ME: Yes, I don't.
CUSTOMS OFFICIAL: You said 'yes' again.

Really, we should take this show on the road.

Monday, September 22, 2014

Life Continues

While dancing the other night, one of the people I was with asked, "How do you know the words to all these songs?"

Because I spent all those years while you were in grad school at the bar with pro wrestlers, stand-up comics and Jason Man-Kai Yeung absorbing the worlds to Akon's "Sexy B***h."

Oh sure. You might have a job and a car and be educated and stuff, but when it comes to bringing sexy back...WHO WASTED THEIR LIFE NOW? WHO WASTED THEIR LIFE NOW?

Still me?


Take 'em to the Chorus